I think they're a bunch of PUSSIES

-James Franco's grandmother, Mitzie Verne, on people who can't watch '127 Hours'

Written from the blood of yours truly, a humbling sacrifice for this blog. Of course the wound has healed and I am up and fit and ready to alert you all to the goings on of whatever we do here at RAWR RUSSIA! This week (or month, they are sort of more bi-monthly posts, hey)...

TOP FIVE: THINGS THAT GIVE ME NIGHTMARES

1.) Pathetic Russian revolution movies that could have been AWESOME, but ultimately weren't due to various circumstance such as the following; actors, direction, dialogue, location, costumes, portrayal of rather VILLAINOUS characters in a light that does not befit their true personality...

Case study: The 2008 Russian epic "Admiral" starring Konstantin Khabenskiy, Elizaveta Boyarskaya and Sergey Bezrukov. This abysmal film turns what could have been an insightful and interesting story of an anti-revolutionary and leader of the White forces, Aleksandr Kolchak, into...A FUCKING ROMANCE! It also portrays Kolchak as a tragic hero, with a deep love for his country. The film brushes over (and by that, I mean completely ignorea) his belief in the autocratic system and tyrannous behaviour when he deemed himself "supreme ruler of Russia". Old Tsarist laws were restored, more then 25,000 people were shot or tortured to death under his command in Ekaterinburg alone, not to mention the 20 or-more concentration camps run by his government by 1920.

I give it: 2.38 cossacks

2.) Growing up. Now that I am officially and legally (in Aussie-land) an adult, the prospect of the future is sufficiently daunting enough to wake me up in cold sweats at night. WHAT DO I DO WITH MY LIFE??!?

3.) The White Stripes are no more! The White Stripes were the first band I really got into when I was 10 or 11, kudos to my big bro Nic for that one. On my 13th birthday, said brother offered to buy me a ticket to see them when they were coming into town. For some unknown and illogical reason my Mum said no. Which is utterly crazy and makes me furious in retrospect (actually it made me furious at the time also). But now I must live with the pain (FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!) that I was ever so close to seeing them live, but alas I will never be granted this opportunity from the gig-gods. Unless they do a reunion tour but I doubt the likelihood of this event ever occurring, sadly, and then of course the issue of my mothers blessing arises once more...

4.) DEATH! I guess, but to be honest I'm not exactly sure. I don't have nightmares that often so I'm scrapping the barrel here, but I assume I dream about dying occasionally and it probably freaks me out...as of yet I haven't been face-to-face with my mortality, but I'll keep you posted.

5.) James Franco. I saw '127 Hours' yesterday. I passed out. Then I vomited. I kid you not. Let's keep it between ourselves, because it wasn't my proudest moment. I'm a vegetarian, so that was possibly responsible. Yes, it was the vegetarianism. Also, the fact that he CUTS OFF HIS ARM! Urgh, the dizzys have started again...

Yes, this face haunts my dreams...

Better a dove on the plate than a woodgrouse in the mating place

-Russian proverb

Top 5: Celebrities who would like rawr russia

1. Lady GaGa. For obvious reasons.

2. Baio from Vampire Weekend. Not only did he STUDY RUSSIAN but he has also been known to tweet about Trotsky and another Russian-esque things. And he's from Vampire Weekend, so he would no doubt like cool, weird, different things so he can talk about them in interviews and seem really smart. Did I mention that I met this guy? WHY DIDN'T I PLUG?

3. Kate Beckinsale. Fairly obvious, as she studied French and RUSSIAN at OFXORD. Smart, Russian= rawr russia.

4. Keira Knightley. I love her bangs, and wish mine would look like that. They don't. But apart from being the most annoying character in Pirates of the Caribbean (although Will Turner wasn't exactly fun, and let's face it JD made that movie. Jack Sparrow is so foine) she also starred in a remake of Doctor Zhivago, and no one could pick up and agree to do that script unless they had a solid admiration for the Russian epic.

5. Katy Perry. Because Gaga reads it, Katy Perry would jump on board too. Mainly just to grab some quick, shallow attention (like her exploits at a recent formal) and she will succeed. I'll die a little inside, but deep down I know that I'd happily sell out. For the good of the world really, because everyone should read this blog, it'll make their meaningless lives that much better.

Anyway, if you happen to KNOW any of these people, let them now because I think they would appreciate the fine genius of yours truly (and Isabella).

Peace out y'all

I just wanna have lots of great sex with famous people

-Who do you think?

Alas, Where's Rassy is NO MORE! Yes, my friends, he has finally been destroyed, crushed, mutilated and unable to be seen from his various positions, namely on walls at a distance. Instead we here at Rawr Russia bring you:

WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS RASPUTIN?

Which is basically just the same thing, except Rassy journeys and hides to new, more interesting places and there he hides himself by mounting on walls (surprisingly, not women) and such. Enjoy!

Strength rating: 3.72 beards

I wanna have cosmos with her and bitch about the industry. I wanna wear a corset to the chemists and have an army of transvestites do my bidding.

- A Lady Gaga lover and desperate wannabe (aka, Isabella)

In my last post revolutions ago, I did a top 5 of reasons why Trotsky would hate hipsters. That was so much fun, I'm going to do a similar post this time round: REASONS WHY HIPSTERS FUCKING SUCK!

Haha! No, enough with the hipster hate already. It's getting old. The REAL idea was things Trotsky would love if he wasn't murdered by an ice pick (but I have recently discovered it was more of an "ice axe". Is there that much of a difference? Hit me up in the comments fine fellows) in Mexico at the orders of that villainous Stalin.

The first order of business is to discuss what gives something the Trotsky tick of approval. That's easy; it must simply be epic. Or hot. Better still, both. Originality also helps, but being a blatant rip off of something currently epic (a la Christina Aguilera's new voyage into Gaga territory ) leads to a top 5 of reasons why Trotsky hate's you. And THAT my friends, is worse than an appalling review from Pitchfork.

Trotsky loves Gaga. Because let's be honest, nobody doesn't. And if you don't, you are in serious denial and the pain of having to keep it bottled up inside of you will send you crazy, or gaga which is my theory as to the name choice. Everything she does is incredible, and her whole "embrace your inner freak" and don't give a shit about what anyone else thinks would bring a tear to Trotsky's eye and I'm sure he would be on the "freak" side, given his circumstances. Furthermore, Lady Gaga knows what it takes to be successful and she's extremely intelligent in the formation of her image and the establishment of the "Haus of Gaga". Overall, she is strategic. Just like Trotsky was!

This post is getting too long, so what do we think revolutionaries/little monsters? I'm pretty certain Trotsky would dis-like Katy Perry and he WAS a fan of MGMT but this new direction they have taken is less him. Although he find's "It's Working" quite a delight with a sweet film clip to boot. He wouldn't put up with their bat-shit crazy live shows though, Trotsky does not enjoy a sucky liver performance where they go they entire show, building up to their greatest song and don't even play it!

Trotsky also approves of True Blood.

Valentin Parnakh was his fav revolutionary jazz musician, and hes pretty big on beyonce

-Isabella (on Trotsky's musical preference)

Where's Rassy?




Strenth rating: 4 beards

Good luck fellow revolutionaries!

I think it’s illegal to text and razor scoot at the same time, but whatever. I live dangerously.

-Look at this fucking hipster (see picture below)

Top 5: reasons why Trotsky would hate hipsters!


1. Trotsky was an idealist, as I am sure you are all well aware. Hipsters are just ironic, and it get's old real quickly.


2. Have you SEEN "Look at this fucking hipster"? How can you not hate, Trotsy would be NO exception.





3. As one who wanted CHANGE, Trostky would be disgusted that the whole sub-culture of hipsterdom is a completely un-original; "take your grandmother's sweater and Bob Dylan's wayferers, add jean shorts, Converse All-Stars and a can of Pabst and bam- hipster!"

4. If the revolutionaries were around today, Stalin would probably be a hipster. But then again, I think Lenin would have been an indie. Trotsky would have steered clear of any unconforming conformity and just been himself.

5. Trotsky didn't give a shit if anything was cool or not!

You know why it would be cool to be Lenin? Because if you got into a fight with someone and lost, you could just send the CHEKA on them

-Isabella

Where's Rassy?

Our dear friend Rasputin got himself into a little bit of trouble. So he had to hide from the aforementioned CHEKA in Moscow's school of English. It was a strenuous affair.

Luckily, though, he managed to escape unscathed. But I am nearly positive that you, dearest Russian-ites, are slightly brighter than the aforementioned CHEKA. So have a go at spotting him:

*note: In Moscow, although it is very cold outside, inside they have excessive heaters, so the Russians all wear these similar blue dresses underneath their Cossak get-ups. It's not like a uniform or anything...

Forty years I've been at sea. A war at sea. A war with no battles, no monuments... only casualties.

- Captain Marko Ramius (unfortunately, he is fictional)

Quick question, avid readers, what do you get when you use a talent-less (don't hate me, but it's true!) Scotsman to play a ravishing Russian? Catastrophe, my friends, CATASTROPHE!

In"The Hunt for Red October" Sean Connery plays the role of Captain Marko Ramius, whose brilliance I have provided an insight to in the heading of this post, but for more head to imdb. Now, if you are a fan of Mr. Sir (that's debatable) Connery you may not enjoy this post as others, but do not disregard it if you have not seen the film.

Playing a Russian, Connery does not even attempt a Russian accent. It is heart-breaking. And cringe-worthy. Granted, this film did win an Oscar. For Sound Editing. It's like, "you were good, but not good enough, so we'll just give you one of the pissy awards". It's a bit of a joke really. Just like Connery's accent!

As odd as it seems that a big-Hollywood film would be so plain and irksome it is true. And it's not the first, or sadly last time that a potentially heroic and, dare I say it, epic film is completely ravaged. Watch the trailer to see what I mean:

Looks epic (that word again) right? Until you hear Connery's accent! It doesn't deserve this long and detailed post, in fact I could fit the true statement onto twitter:

WTF?!?!

Anyone who doesn't regret the passing of the Soviet Union has no heart. Anyone who wants it restored has no brains

-Vladmir Putin

Top 5: discoveries we made whilst we were away and/or not blogging

1. Lady Gaga totally ripped of Boney M! Why? The following is why:
Ra-ra NOT followed by ah-ah-ah ro-ma ro-ma-ma gaga oh la la BUT ACTUALLY FOLLOWED BY Rasputin!
Get it? RA-RA Rasputin! Ra-ra...ah-ah-ah ro-ma and so on. Totally ripped off! She also took the "Mum-mum-mum-mah" in Poker Face from Boney M, so she clearly is a fan (I mean, lets face it who isn't?). I feel Boney M should get some credit for the mega-hit that is Bad Romance.

2. Robert Pattinson is the re-incarnation of Leon Trotsky! Seriously, check this shit OUT:

Also, Zach Braff and the Colonel (as in, that random guy always seen at KFC but for some reason isn't morbidly obese) have uncanny resemblances to the uber babe of Trotsky:

I will definitely be eating at KFC more! This also proves that an aged Trotsky is still a fox. For the rest of my life I will be turned on at the sight of a KFC that most will presume is some deep-psychological issue but is really just caused by the Colonel Trostky-ness.

3. This is possibly the most agreeable facebook group: There should be a mid year exam for VCE Revolutions History! Brilliant, sums up my feelings entirely. If there were a mid-year, I'm 99.99 per cent positive I would have received a better score.

4. Speaking of better scores, apparently it wasn't that hard to do well. Some completely random friends of a friend got ridiculously amazing marks, and spoke as if the exam was easy. I've meet neither of these two assholes (sorry, jerks, no not that one, bitchezz? Nope not that either, hm what about anti-revolutionaries? Yep that's it) ANTI-REVOLUTIONARIES but I hate them alot my dearest readers and so should you. Unless you to got an amazing mark also, then you should hate yourself.

5. I also discovered inner peace.

All are not cooks that walk with long knives

-Russian proverb

The Top 5: reasons why we haven't been posting!
1. We are no longer required to study the amazing Russian revolution, and although that is a little sad, it's really more of a cause for celebration.
2. The exam of previously mentioned study was, well, not as good as expected. And thus, this just brings back memories of how bad I did.
3. Inspiration is hard to come by when you no longer need to spend hours filling your head with pointless facts about the Kulaks (when it's not even on the f***ing exam!) and can instead, be outside enjoying the weather, shopping or getting wasted.
4. I went way overboard during the October Revolution, averaging one-post a day for 4 days. That's too much.
5. I don't think anyone is reading this...

The world thinks the Russian Revolution is at an end. Do not be mistaken. The Russian Revolution is just beginning.

-Alexander Kerensky

A supermarket in Box Hill sits teetering on the verge of Revolution. It's easily comparable to Russia circa 1905, tensions mounting, but alas, nothing will ever be able to be done about its authoritarian rule.
How do I know these details, you ask? I myself am caught amidst the atmosphere of disdain, and truthfully, I am the Father Gapon of Coles!
I represent the peasants, the serfs, as I am close to the bottom of the hierarchy established, and sadly, the hierarchy is obvious and the serfs like me are manipulated by those on top.
(It's incredible how similar this is to Russia, before the genius of Lenin came in to save the people. Not that he did....)

The customers are the nobility and the upper class. They do not even pretend to care about me or my feelings. They do things that deliberately infuriate me and to openly show their disgust at my presence;
-throw 'environmentally friendly' bags at me, even though I have already packed half of their items and demand I take them out, to 'ease' their conscience
-ignore me when I ask them how they are
-pay 50 cent items with a 100 dollar note
In fact, this list is never ending. The amount of things customers can do to make it conclusive that they are horrible, blood-sucking monsters, is astounding.
I finally understand the full pain and suffering undergone by the peasants of Russia pre-Revolution.

The supervisors induce a sense of fear in me. I fear everything about them, yet they are not overly cruel, in fact they are barely cruel at all. Perhaps the best way to describe them is to go back to the French Revolution, and define them as the "Bourgeoisie". Better then me, but they too want a change in the society, or store. And we must not forget that they started out as what I currently am.

Much, much more fear creating are the managers. Everytime they come near me, I freeze up inside, and on the outside my palms begin to sweat and my speech begins to stutter. They are the autocratic rulers. Unlike the upper class, they do not openly hate me. Just discretely, and in no way do they want to make life, or work, any better for me. They enjoy watching me suffer, and/or they do not care for I am to far bellow for their attention. When I am forced into cancelling a shift, my heart beats a million miles a minute at the thought of what they will say. When I make a mistake at work, I fear severe consequences, so much so that I don't inform anyone and just 'fix' it myself.

This situation at the store in not fixable. And the only difference between it and the Russian revolution is that there will, sadly, be no overthrowing of the regime. The Russian revolution had the genius of Lenin, the courage of Trotsky. All of these elements are missing from Coles, but perhaps one day, well after my time there, something will be done to end the oppresive rule.

Russia, a country in which things that just don't happen, happen.

-Peter the Great (Bella: what a cool guy!)

This is our first post.
So be kind gentle stranger.
Our names are Elizabeth and Isabella.
We do revs.
Mr. Davies is our teacher.
Perhaps "teacher" would be more suitable.
It's our favourite class,
despite the fact we suck major arse.
And our classmates are noticably hostile.
Especially Judah.*

*Note: Judah is a false name. We do not want to cause offence to any persons, who may or may not be Judah.